The Myth of Self-Love

I wanted to keep this short because it’s not complicated but it’s very important and maybe a little nuanced so I’ve tried to cover a range of perspectives and now it’s longer than I had hoped.  I know it’s hard to read more than a few lines these days, but I’d love it if you can stay with me to the end. Cherry picking through it might also work. I’ve  written this from the heart and without the use of Ai.

It’s come to my attention in the last few months that there are a lot of people out there in the world who have been told - and maybe even led to believe - that it’s possible to love yourself. It seems to be a product of pop-psychology and esotericism -  a pervasive mythology that is appealing to a universal acceptance of the need for love, yet a narrow or shallow view of its nature. The self-love movement is delivering a sense of hope but also a kind of despair.  Maybe you’ve heard this too or even said it - that in order to love anyone else you have to love yourself first. I’ve met two people recently who thought this and one is now feeling she can’t love anyone - even her own kids. She sees her own faults and genuinely feels unlovable, and therefore concludes that there’s no hope for loving anyone else. This a bit sad, isn’t it? The other girl who told me that self-love is the all important goal of life admitted that she hasn’t managed to achieve it yet. Not even a little bit.

Not much compares to a sweet mama's love

There are a lot of intelligent and good people out there attempting to follow this self-love philosophy but are at a loss how to apply it.  It also seems that whatever love they do have is limited in supply. It only extends to their kids, for example, and some days even not that far.

Still,  we may have heard or believe (I think we all do feel it) that unconditional love exists and its tendency is to overlook imperfections. You might try to do that with ‘yourself’,  and my guess is that that will manifest in one of two ways.  The first is probably better described as ‘self acceptance’ - you see your faults but have faith they are normal and you still have value. Maybe your redeeming qualities are enough to get you by despite your flaws. Or it may be that you are so far stuck up yourself that you can’t actually recognise that you have any imperfections (arrogance) and are therefore causing other people grief (insert proverbial expletive). The former, healthier way of not getting bogged down in your imperfections - self acceptance - often comes with a desire to not only ‘take care of’ yourself but also to change and grow to become the best version of yourself. The motivation to do that drives a lot of people to become genuinely awesome people, invariably still with some imperfections that they are generally aware of and do their best to compensate for. (‘Apologies’ can help in this regard). They actually work at it, doing better, being of service, or being a leading light, but they also know when to rest. May we all have enough self acceptance to turn our attention to opportunities for personal growth.

Let’s now examine the logic and linguistics of self-love. Put simply, it is not logistically possible to love yourself. You are yourself. There are no two end points here between which love can flow or be sent out or exchanged. Love is a verb, doing word, that takes both a subject and an object as in “I love you”. It’s that simple. Two. Different. Entities. Required.

You are the living being - a potentially very loving, living being - who exists right now with a mind and a body that you - the living being or spark of life - can observe. Based on your observations, you can ‘take care’ of your body in many ways - and maybe call it love - like by eating the right amount of good food, at the right frequencies, getting out in the sunshine just enough, challenging your muscles and bones, especially the heart muscle, with weights and hikes, etc. And taking it (the body) out for a massage or even massaging your own feet, hands, the back of your neck where we often hold a lot of tension etc.  The word for healing oils in Sanskrit is ‘sneha’ which also translates as ‘love' so you can definitely ‘give your feet (etc.) some love like this.  You might occasionally love your ‘mind’ and the fabulous ideas that it comes up with, but you’ll know for sure that your mind is capable of bringing you and others chaos and darkness. So even if you love the mind and all its imperfections, the mind is not going to love you back because it’s not a conduit of love. The body is a big sack of chemicals and information network which can entertain you with hormones etc but this is also not love. Still, we know love is important and something we need to grasp and hold onto. Where, oh where, can we find it?

Man's best friend, apparently.

You’ve probably experienced the love of a dog or, if you’re really lucky, a cat. The love of the dog, for sure, is bordering on unconditional.  A dog that is dedicated to even an unkind master is ever hopeful but not necessarily happy. They are needy, not self-satisfied and therefore not able to love you perfectly. They do seem to come close, though.  You’ve likely experienced the love of a parent, child, sibling or a friend, with his or her willingness to go to the ends of the earth, to the moon and back, or stay up all night to keep you fed, well and inspired. But when you’re spiralling out of control even they will be at a loss to fully reach you.  And you’ve likely experienced the lack of loving action from people you’ve had higher expectations of.

Love, love, love is a verb, a doing word that manifests through time and space as olive branches of understanding and kindness, tolerance, patience, forgiveness, gifts, words that heal and support. All of this is between two. And it’s a fact that you can ‘be kind to yourself’, not beat yourself up etc but sometimes all seems lost, your world is dark, you’ve run out of kind words, and energy to take care of yourself. This can happen on the daily in small ways, and also at major moments in life, when you reach ‘the end of your tether.’

At that point, if you’re fortunate, you’ll have someone there to pick you up, feed you, and give you time, space and ways to express your feelings but it may be that those around you, also somewhat lacking in ‘perfect love’, won’t have what you need.

And they lived happily ever after..

So we’re full aware of our intrinsic need as humans - or even as living beings - to give and receive love, but rarely do to our full satisfaction. If we do, absolute tragedy ensues when one of you dies. This experience of the tragedy of imperfect or lost love is probably what leads a lot of people to start to believe that they need to love themselves, or just get a dog, or seek a way to mask or end the pain of loss or the sensation of ‘lack’. I believe this is felt as a 'void'.

The logical conclusion

So from our experience of disappointment at our own or others limited supply of love we can conclude that, while we may feel we have great potential for love, for being a conduit or channel for love, we are not the source. An unlimited supply would be nice.

Seeking the Source of the Love Supply

My suggestion is that at this point - when we feel the disappointment and despair at the finite supply of love in our life - we use it as an opportunity to pivot. A turning point. Instead of outwards (looking for another invariably finite supply, another empty cup of love) or simply submitting to the despair, we can turn inwards, so to speak, and tap into… open the door to… an endless supply of unconditional love. There are older more time tested traditions on this planet (and probably on other planets too) than the pervasive self-love one, that highlight the existence of an infinite source of unconditional love. Not you. Someone else, unique and singular.  There is indeed someone - an expansion of whom resides in your own heart, closer to you than your own breath, with whom you can connect - you can reach out, enquire, open your heart even a little and there will be a response.

On a practical level, a useful tool for this reaching out and opening up is as follows. This other entity, or living being that holds the love supply, has different names, describing  ‘its/his/her’ qualities, with variations depending on which part of the planet particular traditions that give guidance on this relationship spring from. And the names of this unconditionally loving being are themselves full of love. They’re a lifeline. A love-line in fact. An external manifestation of an internal relationship with an eternally loving friend.  If you say your own name over and over you would probably feel a bit weird. I don’t know anyone who does that. I don’t think that works.  But to meditate on the names of the source of love is a time-tested, deeply nourishing practice that satisfies our needs and desires, that brings peace to our anxious hearts.

The search for true love is real, and it’s not ‘that’ hard. Just be humble and open to the possibilities, and know that there is a Source of Love that you can tap into, from which you can spread love around. Know that you are not it. But you can be amazing. When your mind sees how amazing you are as a conduit of love, it will sit down and shut up in awe.

Feel Free to reach out for more info or to discuss. I’m happy to get your feedback on these ideas.